think i just got okcupid messaged by my future husband YOU GUYS:
May 27, 2012
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Keeping my distance is something I’ve needed to do for my emotional health, and it isn’t a reflection of my feelings or lack of feelings towards you.
90s kid sent an email tuesday night. i’ve only read it like 75 times since then.
put it away put it away put it away
no more 90s kid.
just me and my cats foreverrrrrrrrrr.
April 28, 2012
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texted 90s kid yesterday to see if we could Talk. we’re meeting today. it’s a battle of hope and despair in my heart yall. feeling all the FEELINGS so hard right now.
April 26, 2012
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last night was date #7 with 90s kid. that is the most intentional dates i’ve ever been on with the same person (i’m a dating baby). also, the crux of it really, that’s one date for every YEAR he dated his ex. but maybe i am getting caught up in counting and measuring. like it would lead to some prediction. like i could come up with some formula that could make me feel safe or at ease. i want incommensurate things and i want them now!
April 22, 2012
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if i talk about how happy i am right now i might jinx it. but damn am i happy right now.
had a date on wednesday with a girl from okcupid that was really a friend date i think but it was nice. meanwhile 90s kid is making me feel like this. i’m seeing him tonight. oy vey.
90s kid date 5: he came over to my apartment and we cooked dinner and ate and talked and it was really nice and i like him a lot. i wish i could share something funny or stupid, but he always says exactly the right thing. he’s so genuine i feel like a weird mime. plus we’re in this ellispis state…the narrative arc is flat, or creeping so slowly i can’t notice it, like if this was a movie it would be Empire or something. all that’s happening is time passing. but i like it, so far.
for the record
i don’t trust yet that any of this is about me more than it is just not about her. and i don’t blame him i get that but i still have to be self-protective while understanding. because even if he meant everything he said when he said it, it’s no kind of promise. no kind of sure surrender. as much as i want and need promise and surrender, i can’t make it out of nothing. what i want is to be able to tell him how fucking much i like him. i know it’s bad when i also start getting annoyed - why do i have to be this vulnerable person who feels feelings and is penetrable? why can’t i just feel happy and not consumed? he does make me hugely happy. when i’m around him. when i’m not, i’m waiting and feeling foolish and questioning this thing i’ve decided to do where i am betting that those hours of happiness are worth all the pacing and the racing of my heart and the sleeping in and distraction and the overthinking and talking myself out of the trees and writing everything down so i can remember how i got here.
90s kid date 4
we saw a documentary then went back to his house and made vegan tacos. i feel like that alanis morisette song where she’s like “you held the door for me” and you’re like seriously alanis, those are your standards? but damn this kid is freaking NICE. which is confusing in conjunction with the unavailable part. but whatever. people are complex. i can exist in a liminal space. i can embody the ellipsis…right? right…
edit: and also we hung out in his room for hours after dinner and it was great. except for the part where we talked about his ex and the part where i listened carefully and went home and facebook stalked and especially the part where i now know her name and her face and details and why did i do that to myself, will i NEVER LEARN.
